It’s difficult to explain how completely draining it can be taking care of an infant. So tiny the lil thing is, so helpless that you can not even hold something against it. But its like a clock…the hand just goes round and round…there is no pause, no stop. No respite, no break. Constant demands, round the clock.
It’s been 16 days I have left the 4 walls of this house. Weekdays, weekends are just names given to days. They have no meaning for me anymore. It’s the same routine…day after day. No more than 40 minutes at a stretch have I got to myself in all this time. And this is when I have so much support at home. Yes, yes I know I should be grateful for all the help…and I truly am. The Husband taking his turns even after a long day at work…my mom is god sent…as is my sister who has put her life on hold and dad. But just coz it could have been tougher it doesn’t make it easier. Because everyone can take a break….get out….smell the air…live. Everyone but me.
One would think it is so easy being a stay at home mom. So what if you can’t sleep at night? You have all day where you can rest! I wish I could offer a glimpse of my day…where if I bathe for more than 10 minutes, I feel guilty that there may be something I am required for. One doesn’t even feel like letting on how caught up you are…partly because the world expects you to be (its part of the job description, don’t you know??)…and partly because you feel you may be betraying this little person whom you brought into this world and promised to care for.
It feels strange to be so overwhelmed sometimes. Because it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I still love you unconditionally. But there is no me left anymore…and I miss me.